it

i don't get it. i used to think that i got it. i used to not want it. i used to not care. what the hell did i need with it? more often than not, it wasn't worth it. the drama. the heartbreak. the hard work and commitment. the notion that i had to give up the parts of me that made me in order to have it.

ironically, years after i had it and lost it because i was young and inexperienced and didn't know any better, it's back. or at least the notion of it, is back. equally ironically, i want it so badly now that i constantly dream about it. it drives me nuts if i let myself think about it too much. i get it rubbed in my face every now and then -- albeit not intentionally, i'm sure.

i wonder why now, at this point in my life, i still can't have it. guess i waited too long and told myself too many times that when the time came when i wanted it, it would be there.

i want it. i need it. to hell with it.