mi corazón está quebrado ...

you know, i find that i'm not afraid of anything until i really want it ... then i'm afraid i'll lose it before i even try to get it.

what a pathetic, counter-productive way to move through life.

how much have i truly missed out on with that attitude? how many times have i jinxed myself. jeopardized my chances. compromised the opportunities which would have made my life a happier place to be.

if i start keeping score now ... this very day ... this very moment: known fuck ups - 1, jen - 0

normally, overcoming a one-run deficit isn't an insurmountable goal. no one would argue, however, that i'm anything but normal .

i've repeatedly asked myself the question, "if i'm afraid of trying, do i really want it bad enough?" i still don't know the answer. and it's quite damn possible that this time my ignorance and unexplained fear of communication ... fear of wearing my heart on my sleeve ... has cost me in ways that i may never know.

i listened. i consoled. i tried to encourage. i cultivated, from what i thought was a safe distance ... for now. didn't want to come across as opportunistic. didn't want to push too hard, or to find myself in a position to be the rebound. better to have gained her trust. assured her that my intentions were genuine ... that my heart was sincere.

laying a good foundation? or just plain chicken shit?

apparently both, as i waited too damn long to work up the courage to lay it all on the table and someone else is standing on the foundation.

ironically enough, last week, she sent me an excerpt of a commencement address delivered by apple founder/ceo steve jobs. the last line reads, "you are already naked. there is no reason not to follow your heart." even more ironic is that just when i was ready to follow it, it broke.