41

i turned 41 in january of this year. nine months ago to be exact. if i live to be 82, i'll probably consider that a good long time to grace the earth with my presence. also means that i'm smack dab at the mid-point of my life. mid-life, as they say. and if i'm experiencing a crisis at this point in time? that's right...it would be a mid-life crisis. jesus christ.

of course a huge part of the potential crisis is that i'm not really sure that the crisis is a crisis. i'm thinking it may be more of an awakening. that sounds better doesn't it? a mid-life awakening vs. a mid-life crisis. i've always pictured balding, pot-bellied, grey haired men in sports cars as indicative of a typical mid-life crisis. i don't think i've ever really considered that women had mid-life crises ... we have our shit together by the time we're half way home and are just springing to life. i should be ready to conquer the fucking world by now.

which brings me back to the question of whether i'm bogged down in a hot mess of 40-something bullshit, or on the brink of breaking out and being the person i really want to be.

i'm at an impasse. i have fallen hard for someone 15 years my junior...and i don't know if it's because i'm chasing my youth or if i've really found someone who fills my heart and soul with life, love and happiness. i know that i've never felt this way about anyone else. i know that i really don't notice an age difference, but i'm not sure if she does. she claims she's broken and can't deal with relationships right now. but i see so much of myself at 25 when i'm with her. i feel like i have to be very careful to not transfer my desire to call a do-over and go back 15 years onto how i treat her or perceive her feelings or her life. i have to be so careful to not make of her something that i want her to be ... something that she's not. i know that i personally had no qualms about 40-something broads when i was 25. preferred them, actually. i've always been drawn to women who were more mature. but not everyone is like that, of course. so that's certainly up in the air for now.

i want to take pictures. everywhere i go, i'm constantly looking for photo opps. old buildings/architecure. people. cars. nature. animals. i have a very strong feeling that i would somehow benefit from taking pictures everywhere i go. but then i think that i have higher priorities...tho i don't know what those priorities are. i recently bought a new camera ... a wonderful piece of equipment that will afford me the oppotunity to really take the kind of pictures i've always imagined taking. my first "real" camera ... at 41. is this my sports car? maybe.

i'm planning on getting a couple of tatoos. started out wanting them on my back ... a ying-yang symbol on my shoulder blade and the egyptian sun god ra at the base of my neck just between my shoulder blades. then the thought occurred to me ... how am i supposed to see my tatoos and enjoy them if theyre on my damn back. i have since decided to put one on the inside of each wrist. i'll be able to see them, and pretty much cover them up if need-be.  said object of my mid-life affections has also suggested that i get a "pretty lady" on my upper arm.  she knows i like pretty ladies;  ladies from mucha prints, with their long, flowing hair and elegant lines;  i may do that.

but for right now, i needs must figure out what the hell is going on with me.  where and, more importantly, why my life is.  haven't accomplished much -- if anything -- at this point, but they say now that 40 is the new 30.  i've got to overcome the inner struggle that tells me that my fate is sealed at this point, and go with the youth that becomes my 4 decades on this earth.  figure out what it is that makes me happy and "be" the is that is.  thank you, president clinton.